Tathagat

Manav was over the other day. He picked up his copy of Nirmal Verma's 'Gyarah Lambi Kahaniyan' lying on my desk, and asked me how I was progressing. Slow, I told him, as I always am with Hindi.

He opened the book, glanced at his own words at the beginning of the book. ‘बहुत पहले पढ़ी कहानियां... फिर फिर पढ़ने के लिए फिर फिर खरीदता हूँ।’ Lovely words I think, so telling of his love for Nirmal ji’s writing and full of so much warmth. Or perhaps it is his voice that is full of warmth when he speaks of Nirmalji and it is the memory of that warmth that creeps in when I read these words…

I read ‘Bukhar’, I tell him. Oh, that is a beautiful story, he says. I wrote about it on my blog. I must look it up, I think silently.

What are you reading now?

The first one.

I can’t remember the name of the story and for that I feel a tinge of shame. How is it that I never paid attention to the name? I think to myself.

Parindey, he says glancing at the Contents. Latika’s story?

Yes, Latika’s I mutter, wondering to myself how on earth the name Parindey relates to the story, I would never have imagined! Maybe that secret will reveal itself yet.

That’s also a beautiful story, he got an award for it. You should read ‘Kavve aur kaala paani’. It’s set in Bhawali, he smiles, waiting for me to react. I give him an expressionless look. Bhawali, he says again, it’s on the way to Sonapani, don’t you remember? You’ve crossed it on your way to Sonapani so many times! We stop there everytime for tea.

We have never travelled to Sonapani together, I protest. We have travelled back together, but we have always gone to Sonapani separately. And I never stop for tea on the way, so maybe that’s why I don’t know.

Offo, he says. You must do something about your memory. We have been in Bhawali together. In fact we changed cars there on one occasion, on a bridge.

This I remember, and my face brightens up. This I remember distinctly. It’s a typical little bazaar in a mountain hamlet, full of colourful small shops- selling candies, cigarettes and paan, plastics and toys, clothes, electrical repair shops, and thelas, selling pakoras or peanuts or corn; simple, cheerful people with weathered faces, selling stuff with a distinctly small town feel, in a distinctly small town setting. You cross several of these on the way to Sonapani, heck, travelling from anywhere to anywhere in the mountains. This one was beautiful, the river ran between the two hills, and our car had stopped at one end of the little bridge over it. We had to take a different cab from here. We offloaded our small luggage and kept it on the side of the dusty road. I was sitting on the parapet of the bridge, on the phone talking to Meghna, my editor friend. I had called her to tell her all about the exciting time I had just had, but I was afraid it would jinx my luck, so I didn’t. But this too was on the way back from Sonapani, I think to myself, making a point to no one.

You should do something about your memory, Manav breaks my chain of thought, which is ironically, my memory of those moments in Bhawali. He was wearing a white T shirt, I even remember that- how’s that for memory. What he is referring to though, is a genuine problem. I have a horrendously bad memory. I am reminded here of a peculiarity of mine- if it’s mine alone, that is. I often don’t remember incidents ie I don’t remember facts, details of what actually happened, but I do remember how or what I felt ie the emotion that the incident left me with. Is that weird? I mentioned this to Saeed sa’ab when I met him a few days back. His eyebrows went up in response, though there was also a strange appreciation in the shape of a half smile on his face. Anyway.

You should do something about your memory, Manav breaks my chain of thought, it might get worse. It likely will, I say, you might soon find me wandering the streets, not knowing the way to my house. Not like that, he says, that would still be ok, this is worse.

You should read ‘kavve aur kaala paani’, he repeats. It’s where the story of Tathagat began, he is in there.

So that’s what I am doing now, reading Nirmal Verma’s ‘kavve aur kala paani’. It’s alien, this feeling, finding in another story a character that I lived with and loved, whose story I helped put into visuals; a character that I tried to understand, and argued with Manav about. Here he is again, conceived by a different writer, put in an entirely different setting, and I am curious to see how Nirmalji has shaped him.

Alien and exciting, this feeling. 

(Tathagat is the name of the lead character in a film by the same name, that I shot with Manav. He wrote and directed it, and I shot it. It is about time that he told me this little story about the origins of Tathagat!
Though I have to admit there is a certain charm in this situation. If only I could explain how real Tathagat is for me, played brilliantly by the NSD actor Harish Khanna.)

Wislawa Szymborska

First a quick post to honour this wonderful poet I just discovered.

You see, I was never into poetry; or literature for that matter. I used to read voraciously as a child, but had no one to guide me in new directions so it was all fairly usual and popular stuff. All the authors I read were ones I discovered myself or those that close friends were reading. In hindsight, I feel that I missed out on a great many. This is not to say that my teachers didn’t try. I remember getting books as prizes year after year. When I look back now at the books that I was gifted, I can see perhaps a conscious effort on the parts of my teachers to acknowledge my reading preferences, and introduce me to new books, usually classics. I still have copies of ‘Twenty thousand leagues under the Sea’, which I never took to, and ‘Silas Marner’, that I read and enjoyed and many such, which were prizes for various academic achievements.

I never took to the classics, somehow. Shakespeare and Charles Dickens bored me, mostly (blasphemy, yes!) though I did fall in love with ‘A tale of two cities’, which was such a welcome change from the morose ‘David Copperfield’ or ‘Oliver Twist’; as for Shakespeare, all I can say in my defense is that I find plays hard to read. There was also the fact that I never read the originals because the language was just so tedious and hard to understand, and I suppose one does lose something of their beauty in translations, especially in translations for children. I hope to go back to such classical authors someday, and discover them anew.

My reading habits grew worse as I grew older, and speed declined, and how! I nearly gave up reading because it took so long that it almost seemed like a chore. This was a long and sad phase that is not yet over, though I am trying to get back to reading.

Which is not to say that I don’t spend long hours in front of my computer screen, reading all kinds of stuff- newspaper articles and blog posts mostly, but still. It’s just that I don’t have the attention span for long pieces, which of course books are. Which is why it surprises me somewhat that I didn’t take to poetry earlier, which does come in lovely short capsules, mostly.

Of course, I still can’t claim to like too much of classical poetry. I admire it for its technique and mastery, no doubt. I just don’t take to stuff that is too lateral in meaning, or makes me reach for a dictionary (or rather, open dictionary.com.)

There are advantages of course, to not having known of countless authors and poets- and that is the joy of discovering them. There is a thrill that I get from reading a good book or story or poem that is indescribable. Sometimes it makes me shiver with excitement; sometimes it makes me sigh with wonder at the sheer beauty of the words, expressed with such simplicity. Sometimes there is an urge to share the words, and they end up as facebook status messages and mails to friends. The last such book that I read was Milan Kundera’s ‘Life is Elsewhere’. And this post is to share a couple of poems of Wislawa Szymborska, a name that I can barely pronounce and a woman that I didn’t know existed until she passed away recently, leading to her being quoted by several of my friends, as a tribute. One line caught my attention and I’m glad it did, for it belonged to a beautiful piece. And the search led to several other beautiful pieces, from which I reproduce two here:

Under One Small Star

My apologies to chance for calling it necessity.

My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.

Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.

May my dead be patient with the way my memories fade.

My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.

My apologies to past loves for thinking that the latest is the first.

Forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.

Forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.

I apologize for my record of minuets to those who cry from the depths.

I apologize to those who wait in railway stations for being asleep today at five a.m.

Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing from time to time.

Pardon me, deserts, that I don't rush to you bearing a spoonful of water.

And you, falcon, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage,

your gaze always fixed on the same point in space,

forgive me, even if it turns out you were stuffed.

My apologies to the felled tree for the table's four legs.

My apologies to great questions for small answers.

Truth, please don't pay me much attention.

Dignity, please be magnanimous.

Bear with me, O mystery of existence, as I pluck the occasional thread from your train.

Soul, don't take offense that I've only got you now and then.

My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere at once.

My apologies to everyone that I can't be each woman and each man.

I know I won't be justified as long as I live,

since I myself stand in my own way.

Don't bear me ill will, speech, that I borrow weighty words,

then labor heavily so that they may seem light.

This one struck a chord! Yes, my apologies, many, many apologies, for all that I want to be, try to be, but fail more than I succeed;

apologies to all the people that I love, in the many ways that I love them, which sometimes goes unexpressed, or not expressed enough or is sometimes just not sufficient- for them or for me;

apologies to all the less fortunate, for it’s nothing but my good fortune that I have food to eat and a roof over my head, it could very easily have been otherwise; apologies for all the times that I have expensive dinners or wear expensive clothes, it’s not the divide I wish to highlight, sometimes I just indulge in my taste for good food and beauty;

apologies to all the persecuted, you don’t deserve it any more than I do; apologies for laughing and making merry while you have your house burned down, or run for life, or are tortured in prison, I do stand by you;

apologies to all of you fighting distant wars, or living in war like conditions, sometimes in not so distant places; apologies for the normalcy I enjoy- simple freedoms like travelling without having to carry identification papers and roaming the streets after dark.

And such apologies to many others that I may not yet remember, but who sometimes, just sometimes, introduce a tinge of guilt in my everyday living.

The other one is a wonderfully simple poem that ends with such hope and beauty, even as it drives home a feeling of injustice perhaps, but also inevitability. So much, in such few words!

The End and the Beginning

After every war

someone has to clean up.

Things won’t

straighten themselves up, after all.

Someone has to push the rubble

to the side of the road,

so the corpse-filled wagons

can pass.

Someone has to get mired

in scum and ashes,

sofa springs,

splintered glass,

and bloody rags.

Someone has to drag in a girder

to prop up a wall.

Someone has to glaze a window,

rehang a door.

Photogenic it’s not,

and takes years.

All the cameras have left

for another war.

We’ll need the bridges back,

and new railway stations.

Sleeves will go ragged

from rolling them up.

Someone, broom in hand,

still recalls the way it was.

Someone else listens

and nods with unsevered head.

But already there are those nearby

starting to mill about

who will find it dull.

From out of the bushes

sometimes someone still unearths

rusted-out arguments

and carries them to the garbage pile.

Those who knew

what was going on here

must make way for

those who know little.

And less than little.

And finally as little as nothing.

In the grass that has overgrown

causes and effects,

someone must be stretched out

blade of grass in his mouth

gazing at the clouds.

'If there's a heaven, I imagine it would be a library'

The paper today carried an article about a 5000 sq ft reading room and library in Bandra. A reading room! In Bombay! Brought memories flooding back. I don’t remember the last time I was in one of those- probably the library at FTII, back in 2006. And yet some of my best childhood memories are to do with books.
In Apeejay, my first school, my favourite periods used to be Sports, Dance, Art and Library! We would have one library period a week, and were only allowed to issue one book. This of course was just not enough. So Ritu, the best friend and avid reader herself, and I were constantly exchanging books mid week. These were times of countless Noddys and Enid Blytons and Hardy Boys and Nancy Drews. I remember standing in queue at the chubby, fair librarian’s desk, so she could note down in her register the name and number of the book that each of us was issuing. I also remember wondering in later years if the stuff we read had any bearing on what was picked for us as awards at the end of the year. You see awards in Apeejay (for securing a rank in class is the only one I can speak of) were almost always books. So when I got one of the Classics, I wondered if they were tracking what I was reading, and trying to nudge me towards more serious stuff, or when I got a book of Mensa puzzles, that they were encouraging what they thought was a good habit. The only Classics I ever read, I’m ashamed to confess were the translated works of Charles Dickens (I loved ‘A Tale of Two Cities’), Shakespeare, Thomas Hardy, Jane Austen… There must have been many more but these are all I can remember offhand.
Anyway, even exchanging books with Ritu was often not enough. That’s where the neighbourhood lending library came in handy. I don’t know if these libraries still exist, but they did when I was a kid, and boy, am I thankful that they did! The libraries I visited stored popular fiction. So I got introduced to the Perry Masons (Erle Stanley Gardner actually), PG Wodehouses, Agatha Christies, Edgar Allen Poes, Sidney Sheldons, Alistair Macleans, Jeffery Archers, Arthur Haileys and Robin Cooks. There was a whole phase of court room dramas and crime thrillers.
Comics were a whole different world. I used to devour Archies. I looked longingly at all the Tintins that a friend of mine owned, but they weren’t available in the local library. It didn’t seem to make sense to waste a whole week of reading on a Tintin so I never issued one from the school library, and I’m sad to say remain a stranger to it till date. I did read some Asterix, but didn’t take to it then. I was the Indian comics fan- Chacha Chaudhary, and innumerable other Pran comics; not so much the intelligent stuff like Target for me, though of course I did read those as well. There was something called Tinkle, but I only have a hazy memory of it. Then there were the Children's Book Trust publications that my parents subscribed to for me- I forget what it was called, but there used to be a monthly magazine that I would read cover to cover. Another favourite was Chandamama, which was not a comic of course, more an illustrated short story collection. And oh, the ever fantastic Amar Chitra Kathas! That was an ocean of knowledge.
The 80s (if I remember correctly) was a time of much Indo-USSR cultural exchange. One of those years was the festival of the USSR in India. That was an exciting year. There were wonderful fairs to go to, where Russian dancers with red cheeks would be jumping around in their colourful costumes. There was the Russian circus, which was just the most fantastic thing I’d ever seen. And there was the Russian book fair! This was introduction to the many Ukrainian folk tales, and to Ivan the Terrible. Oh, what joy!
I wonder where I got it from- perhaps both my parents are a little to blame! My father is an avid reader of newspapers and magazines, with the occasional fiction thrown in. My mother on the other hand, didn’t read much. But when she did it was those Hindi paperback novels- the Surendra Mohan Pathak types (that’s the only name I remember.) I tried reading one once- it was seriously freaky! I was amazed at the crazy imagination of the guy.
The move to Sardar Patel Vidyalaya also coincided with a slowing down in the reading. I don’t know why. Maybe I was dazzled with the whole new world that was SPV. It certainly was a bit of a culture shock. Which is seriously sad because in SPV we had more than one library card, if I remember correctly! ☺ I don’t have many memories of the library at SPV, not as many as those of the Apeejay library or the local libraries anyway. This was also a time of deep regret at not having taken up Hindi as a subject. SPV had a brilliant Hindi teacher in Kamal Satyarthi, and I longed to attend his classes. Especially when I heard the beautiful words recited by Sujai and Chetan in the corridor one day- they had memorized Harivansh Rai Bachchan’s ‘Jo beet gayee…’ and were trying to outdo each other! That scene is etched in my memory like it happened yesterday. I tried picking up some Hindi literary fiction around this time, but I was even slower at that, so gave up. Sujai, that absolute sweetheart, is also responsible for introducing me to Calvin and Hobbes, of which I am now a diehard fan.
College doesn’t even deserve a mention. There was little time to read, and given my speed, I was no longer joyfully discovering new authors. I have of course read the one or two odd Ayn Rand, Amitav Ghosh, Rohington Mistry, Salman Rushdie, Marquez, Milan Kundera, JRR Tolkein, Roald Dahl, Haruki Murakami, Manto, Ismat Chugtai (God, I’m really mixing them up!) et al and flirted with Vikram Seth, Kiran Desai, Naipaul, Calvino, Ben Okri, Paul Auster, James Joyce, Kafka, Foucault and many others, without actually managing to finish anything by them. I have also lately been drawn to non fiction, such as the writings of Gandhi, Arundhati Roy, Pavan Verma, Naomi Klein, Malcolm Gladwell and Ramchandra Guha among others. (These are all off the top of my head, it’s hardly the full list. At any rate its easy to see how meager it is.) But the problem now is that I’m awfully slow-anything I start takes so long to finish, I forget where it started!

My attention span has actually reduced over the years… is this something to do with the times we live in? If that is so, and it’s a reasonable assumption, then I’m very glad to have lived through the transition phase, having experienced enough of the old, pre liberalization (for I guess that’s where things really started to change) era of the black and white TVs and limited distractions to actually appreciate that way of life, and not too late for the new Internet age, though I still feel like quite the relic as compared to my younger geeky cousins. I belong to the generation that actually played in the streets, not on PS and XBox consoles and under coaches in Sports Clubs. And read real books, not files on Kindle.

Short attention span notwithstanding, I do still read obsessively. I have to read the newspaper in the morning, otherwise I’m grouchy. If you try making conversation with me while I’m reading the newspaper, I’m still grouchy. I still open up old books just to smell the pages. I happily lap up interesting stuff posted by friends online, mostly on fb and some on their blogs, which I subscribe to. I lose my way often with StumbleUpon. On shoots, you can find me reading articles on my phone (thank God for technology.) Heck, I’ll even read labels on bottles, and medical charts while waiting for the doctor in the waiting room. (And that really is not saying very much for the reading I do these days!!)

I don’t know how and when I lost the habit of reading. And it makes me really sad that I did. I hate it! I remember a time as a teenager, when I was ordered to go to bed because it was way past bedtime, but I was at this crucial point in the story, so I finished the book under the rajai in torchlight. (Yes, I know a lot of you have done that as well.) I just wish I knew how to be that way again.